The Best Mom

Rascal cat snagged 
my whole heart from the jump 
I thought he'd be there 
to gladden my growing up 

To whoever struck him
Most likely speeding 
he was probably just 
a small sudden bump 
I doubt they suspected 
the little boy it 
would tear up 

Animals have never been 
lesser lifeforms to me 
My Rascal was my pal and pard
I carried him everywhere 
and talked to him 
He slept in my bed 
My fire colored star 

The same neighbor who always 
ended up assuming the grim duty 
each time someone couldn't 
bother to brake for 
radiant four-legged souls 
brought him to our door in a box 
so I wouldn't have to see
but I'd still have to know 

As soon as she saw him 
and what he held 
my mom became a woman 
made of tears 
Her gentle heart 
knowing Rascal too 
That he was someone 
not something 
Her grief radiated through 
the house's held breath 
for the death of a 
cherished family member 
and the joy it would 
steal from me 

I heard her sobbing and 
childhood was suspended 
I don't remember if I 
sped down the hall 
or stepped tentatively 
to put off feeling the loss 

Nor do I remember all 
her exact words when 
she sat me on the couch 
Mostly "So sorry honey"
and "Hit by a car"
and her saying Rascal's name 
as though it was the 
most special word 
because to me it was 
He was my first pet 
The one who taught me 
that animals hug 

I remember my face going numb 
I remember my eyes sunburn hot 
I bawled them out but 
couldn't hear myself 
over the thunderous flood 
of too-adult thoughts 

I think I might have screamed "No!"
like moms were magic so they 
could poof away sadnesses 
for sons who couldn't take them 
I know if she could have 
she would have 
I remember us clutched 
together and shaking 

She was the best mom then 
for not trying to be too strong 
For not acting like this tragedy 
was less than monumental 
For hurting with me and 
letting me know she did 
For wiping my tears and 
speaking so gentle 
when she said if I needed 
I could see him one last time 
but not to look too closely 
or hold him 
He'd been placed to hide 
the side wheels obliterated 

Seeing was a necessary agony 
His stillness and his silence 
told me his body no longer held him
That he'd gone somewhere I could 
still barely fathom 
though I'd learned about Heaven 

When Mom told me that's 
where he was now 
I knew enough about it 
to believe her when she said 
it was painless there and 
uniquely special

It hurt and helped simultaneously 
Seeing the shell he lit up in life 
but no longer required 
Mom told me she knew how 
much we loved each other 
and hugged me for a long while 

Though I knew he wasn't really gone 
My brain wasn't developed enough 
to process this elsewhere he'd 
been transferred to 
Why I couldn't go there to get him 
Why he couldn't saunter back 
home to my arms 
Mom assured me God would 
care for him now 
and he'd come to no further harm 

I was educated enough about God 
to know I could trust Him 
to know just where my cat 
loved being scratched behind 
his big silly ears 
Eventually it was enough 
to momentarily dam my 
current of tears 

But the next night 
sitting at the table for dinner 
I couldn't taste my food in 
a world without him 
so I went to the couch 
in the living room 
unable to withstand the knowledge 
that no one would be 
in bed beside me that night 
No lullaby of his 
purring and pawing 

If I was still a boy who 
believed wishes had power 
I wouldn't have fought 
the fresh flow of saltwater 
Would have considered every 
drop a wish consecrated 
but I didn't know that word 
and I knew Heaven was 
far and forever 
and for the rest of my life 
gated to me even if 
wishing drove me crazy 

So I fought to barricade  
the flood behind my eyes 
My head an excruciating blankness 
no child should know of 
but damnit I just couldn't 
help wishing anyway 
to see him again and hold him 

I felt myself losing the war 
From the table in the dining room 
without having to look at me 
Mom felt me losing it too 
She came to me 
Wrapped her arms all the 
way around me 
and knew what to do 

"Cry son" She said 
"It's ok to still need to" 
I didn't even know part of me 
was waiting permission 
to reveal how wrecked I was 
That I couldn't understand how 
the world could still move 
How I was supposed to move in it 
when his absence was in every room 

I doubt any boy ever cried 
as hard as I did then 
I don't know how Mom 
wasn't washed away 
like my world was 
Like my heart was 
but she held me and 
she stayed 

She didn't rush me through it 
Decided the nightly chores 
she handled for us 
could all just
damn well wait 
I cried til I thought 
I was becoming the desert 
The pain didn't leave
but her love took up more space 

Might seem simple but 
I'll always remember it 
How never for a moment did 
she minimize the loss 
How she taught me that though 
love brings with it 
parting's shadow 
It's the only thing 
worth such a cost